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  • The Healing Moms Team

March Newsletter - Guest Blogger "For Moms Who Yell"

My thoughts and heart have been with this community continuously over the past few weeks. I have no doubt that the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic have affected you and your families in ways you didn't see coming. 


It is impossible to predict what this all means for the world and our little families. We are here to support you as much as we can during this time and I hope some of my offerings will resonate with you and give you some inspired creativity as you navigate through these next few months. 


My daughter's care team asked us 7 days ago to self-quarantine for at least 21 days. Then the schools closed...then today the Idaho government announced a 21-day stay at home order closing all nonessential businesses and limiting activities and opportunities outside of the home. I am sure many of you are dealing with the same restrictions in your communities. 

None of this was a surprise. What was a surprise is that I felt less concerned about the health of my family (it was an easy decision to comply with her doctors' requests). And MORE concern with my own mental health and how I am going to keep centered through all of this? I can't even get through a yoga practice without my 4 year old interpreting Downward Facing Dog as a sign I want to wrestle.  

I wanted to share this blog post with you from a friend of mine and Behavior Specialist, Sabrina Ivonne. In it she talks about our knee-jerk reaction of yelling when frustrated and why that reaction can take precedence over a calm response. I absolutely LOVE her take on this. 


Hope For Moms Who Yell 

I was a yelling mom. A mom who flipped out, freaked out, went crazy on my kids. Especially my son. Which completely breaks my heart to say that. Type that. Whatever. After years of healing my broken heart, a heart that started to shatter before age 5, I now know why I yelled so much.

I didn’t yell for just one reason. There were many.

Firstly, my dominant sign is Aries — ruled by Mars, we are the passionate ones, some would say, the hotheads. I’m a total hothead.

With five planets in Aries, you chose a lot of fire when you chose me as your mama, Handsome. I’m sorry, and also, you’re welcome.

Then of course there’s the ‘I married my father’ piece. And the piece where I ran full-speed away from my deep and gnarly childhood wounds until I just couldn’t run anymore.


I WAS A CO-DEPENDENT, BROKEN-HEARTED MESS OF A MOM, AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.


You’d think a college-educated woman with a Master’s degree would have studied or read something on co-dependency by her 40’s. Nope. 
I could go into ten thousand stories, yet, what it all really boils down to is this — I was desperate to feel safe and be seen.


Hope For Moms Who Yell 


I was a yelling mom. A mom who flipped out, freaked out, went crazy on my kids. Especially my son. Which completely breaks my heart to say that. Type that. Whatever. After years of healing my broken heart, a heart that started to shatter before age 5, I now know why I yelled so much. I didn’t yell for just one reason. There were many. Firstly, my dominant sign is Aries — ruled by Mars, we are the passionate ones, some would say, the hotheads. I’m a total hothead. With five planets in Aries, you chose a lot of fire when you chose me as your mama, Handsome. I’m sorry, and also, you’re welcome. Then of course there’s the ‘I married my father’ piece. And the piece where I ran full-speed away from my deep and gnarly childhood wounds until I just couldn’t run anymore.
 
I WAS A CO-DEPENDENT, BROKEN-HEARTED MESS OF A MOM, AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.
 
You’d think a college-educated woman with a Master’s degree would have studied or read something on co-dependency by her 40’s. Nope. 
I could go into ten thousand stories, yet, what it all really boils down to is this — I was desperate to feel safe and be seen.

I WAS SIGNIFICANTLY UNNOTICED, UNSUPPORTED, AND UNSAFE AS A CHILD. ALL OF THOSE EXPERIENCES CREATED A DEEP IMPRINT ON MY PSYCHE THAT FOLLOWED ME WELL INTO MY 40’S.

In true dominant Aries form, I’m going to be really honest with you
📣Yelling, or raising your voice at your children on a regular basis causes damage—damage to your relationship and even damage to your child’s brain.

📣And yelling doesn’t “fix” their behavior “problems”, it actually makes them worse. I’ve worked with countless parents who tell me “they only listen when I yell”. If you’ve said that yourself, take a deep breath and think about it— does your yelling create the long-term solution you’re looking for? It totally does not.

HERE’S WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING WHEN YOU YELL.
📣When you yell, you send your child into a heightened level of stress, and in this day and age (it’s March 19, 2020 as I write this), your child is already experiencing higher levels of emotional stress than any generation of children in the last 50+ years. Sadly, the average child today doesn’t play outside or even play, as much as their brains and bodies require for balanced physical, mental, and emotional health. They spend more time on tablets than on bikes, with devices than face-to-face with friends, and on homework than on creativity and exploration. 

And now we’re in the Coronavirus days. Stress levels are at an ALL-TIME HIGH for parents, so guess who’s feeling it, too?

YOUR CHILD’S NERVOUS SYSTEM IS STRESSED TO CAPACITY EVEN BEFORE YOU YELL.
Before you get to the point of yelling, it’s quite possible your child’s nervous system is already in Fight or Flight mode which means your child’s ability to process (your) speech is reduced, and high-frequency sounds like yelling, cannot actually be heard, or cannot be heard as well as lower-frequency sounds, like a calmer, softer speaking voice.

Read that last paragraph again. It's beyond important.

So your child isn’t “listening”, because their brain cannot process (hear) what it is you’re yelling. 

🚫When you're yelling, your child literally cannot hear you.

😱Not only do they not hear you, their brains and bodies aren’t processing much of anything other than "Mommy is scary as f*ck".

📣And What is it That You Want Most In That Moment? 

❤️ To Be Heard— in the sense of feeling and being acknowledged, witnessed, and appreciated.

You don't really, truly, care so much about your child putting on her damn shoes. You really, truly, care about being acknowledged, witnessed, and seen. Other words for this might be respected, taken seriously, and appreciated.

ALRIGHTY, ALL THAT TO SAY, THERE’S HOPE FOR YOU IF YOU YELL AT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOU’RE DONE DONE DONE WITH THAT.

AND THAT HOPE IS FOUND IN DIVING DEEPLY INTO YOUR STORIES, PATTERNS, AND BODY. YES, YOUR BODY. THAT’S WHERE ALL THE ANSWERS ARE. THEY’RE NOT UP IN YOUR HEAD, AS WE’VE BEEN TAUGHT TO BELIEVE FOR, LIKE, FOREVER.

JOIN ME STARTING MONDAY, MARCH 30TH FOR SOME DEEP-DIVING MIND-BODY HELP TO GET TO THE ROOT OF WHY YOU YELL AND A PRACTICAL, EASY-TO-IMPLEMENT PROCESS TO BREAK YOURSELF FREE FROM THAT CYCLE, ONCE AND FOR ALL.


She is Heard: Mind-Body Help for the Stressed Out Moms Who Want to Stop Yelling at their Children Once and for All starts Monday, March 30th. All the details here.



About Sabrina

Hi, I'm Sabrina Ivonne, M.A., BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst). I'm the CEO of Resources in Autism Education, Inc., Founder of Holistic Behavior Specialists, and MOM to two sensitive, creative, and incredible souls. I've spent 27 years, more than half my life, working with and learning from children with high sensitivities, neurodifferences, and special needs-- children with complex + challenging behavior. I'm thrilled to blend traditional evidence-based approaches with holistic and metaphysical practices to effect change in the lives of children, teens, and families. 


I'm also a triple Aries which means my Sun, Moon + Rising signs are all Aries. I didn't know this fun, fiery and crazy fact until 2017. If you're new to astrology, we are the BIG IDEA people, the bold + fearless trailblazers. I teach stressed out, type A moms of children with complex + challenging behavior to support the development of their child's unique expression through their own focus, energy, and intention.

I use my intuitive gifts, astrology, human design, energy, and "good ole fashioned" behavior + learning theory in my work with my clients. It's a mixed Gucci bag of fun, wisdom, love, and results all rolled into one. I've never owned a Gucci bag. Doubt I ever will. I'd rather buy a ticket to Ireland or Fiji or Greece with tha

Learn more about Sabrina's services here.


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